36 months, check

this morning, i felt not just the weight of this day, or the one that came before it, but of the three years of joy that preceded it, the seven years of numbness that came before the joy, and the six months of mania that started it all. looking back now, i know they were all the same

– Empty –

and that no matter how many words i wrote or spoke or mimed to try to explain, i would never be able to express the unspeakable size of this impossibly small life i call my own:

"Maman" by Keffer

with these things in mind, i set about setting my affairs in order – making visits, saying hello, whispering goodbye. i tried my best to embrace the futility of my endeavor and not fall prey to maudlinism or regret. i tried to remember that all the things i think i am can never equal the Nothing I Am:

"From Haunted Castle" by Kai Stuht

and so, instead of trying to fill the Void, i returned once more to pen and paper, started writing these words, and took comfort in the knowledge of having seen so much – even if it was from far, far away:

title, photographer unknown