Saltines - the matzo for goyim!

when i was a child, i had many unusual eating habits. among them included eating frozen fish sticks, salting my palm, and microwaving hot dogs until their fleshy sheaths turned one shade shy of charcoal. i still remember perfecting the leathery delicacy, and over time i learned that even fifteen seconds too long would turn the whole processed mess into a disgusting log with insides the consistency papier-mâché.

but this is beside the point.

the point is that although the frozen fish and cauterized sausages eventually disappeared from my diet, one perennial holdover was the Saltine cracker/whole milk combo. in this particular culinary abomination, i would take the cracker, chew it to a medium coarseness, and then wash it down with a big gulp of milk. the purpose of this exercise was to provide the perfect balance between the saltiness of the cracker, the sweetness of the milk, and the consistency of the mush once the two were brought together. over time - like all things - this too came to pass.

but yesterday it resurfaced.

at approximately 5:03pm yesterday afternoon, my yin and i took a walk to the grocery store in order to procure a half-head of cabbage. the need for this particularly disgusting vegetable is too nuanced and neurotic to explain at present, but suffice to say it involves my aversion to the word "casserole."

returning to the point, at approximately 4:57pm yesterday afternoon i took out a box of matzos and proceeded to eat one half serving, accompanied by almond butter. at that moment i had a revelation,

an epiphany,

a salted satori,

a unleavened awakening.

i had the thunderstruck realization that all of my pre-pubescent crackered excursions were little more than an attempt to mitigate my ancestry by means of transubstantial carbohydrate consumption. it was this riddle, the obscene extravagance of my own existence, for which i finally found an answer:

Saltines - the matzo for goyim!