redux (2 March 2009)

writing more like Benjamin

I

Jache came over yesterday and told me about bodhisattvas. his explanation included: one sheet of lined paper (from his algebra notebook), black ink (from a ball point pen), and words (from the English language). the words were: "poet, artist, yogi" and connecting these words were lines of both the straight and squiggly variety. some of the straight line had a positive slope (where m≈1.73).

Jache, at a Cat Power concert

II

many months ago i told Jache the story of Ramakrishna, a Bengali saint from the 19th century who was a Brahmin priest at a temple of Kali, the goddess of destruction and destroyer of illusion (which is why i smile every time i come to your house and see Kalis Funeral Home). Ramakrishna converted to Christianity one day (much to the befuddlement of the temple goers), promptly had a vision of Christ, and said "yes, this is a true path to god." he then resumed his priestly duties and stopped being a Christian. a few months later, Ramakrishna pulled the same caper again, this time becoming a Muslim. he promptly had a vision of Muhammad, said "yes, this is a true path to god," stopped being a Muslim, and resumed his duties as a priest.

Sri Ramakrishna

III

Jache came over yesterday and told me about bodhisattvas. the words were: "poet, artist, yogi" and he related them to the tale i had told him of Ramakrishna. Jache said: you're not a poet, you're not an artist, you're not a yogi. you're a bodhisattva, you're like Ginsberg, you are meant to play and dance in the world. Jache left and i felt clearer, letting his wisdom (he is only 21) wash over me.

Ginsberg, before he got old and fat

IV

last night i had the courage to call you back. i slept nine hours, soundly, after a miserable sobbing slumber and nightmares the the day before.

artwork created by a dream

V

this morning i looked up the word bodhisattva because, although it sounded nice to hear Jache call me one, i really had no idea what it meant. i found it in my fancy computer's dictionary.

idealized representation of my fancy computer

VI

bodhisattva |ˌbōdiˈsätvə; -ˈsət-| (also Bodhisattva)
noun
(in Mahayana Buddhism) a person who is able to reach nirvana but delays doing so out of compassion in order to save suffering beings.

portrait of Avalokiteshvara, taken from my altar

VII

the definition i found spoke to the conflict and churning i felt inside, the unquenchable thirst for the divine, the persistent ineffable pull of the earth below, the rose born to die in an empty lot, the beauty of decay - not just in juxtaposition - but within its own being. i heard echoes of Kant: the thing in and of itself, the thing in and of itself, the thing in and of itself...

Immanuel Kant, a dead philosopher

VIII

Jache asked about my dreams; i told him i had not remembered them in weeks... except for one about flying off of a cliff in a car. in the dream i looked at the driver from the back seat and calmly said "you have just killed us," and then slowly began repeating my mantra. i woke thinking, how odd.

envelope in which i received my mantra

IX

last night: i called you back, i slept nine hours. i woke this morning but did not remember my dreams. it is a curious thing because somehow this montage must have appeared in the night.

ubiquitous photograph of Walter Benjamin, harbinger of dreams

X

when the gods seek comfort, it is to discarded words they pray;

XI

in love with the constellations,
the peaces within the pieces,
the moments in between...

as ever