on the ontology of pasta and dispensibility of sequitors

my yin, in her infinite kindness, decided to entertain my finite, yet vast yearning for homemade pesto and quinoa pasta. what followed was a discussion of: 1) Lizzie Borden's Born in Flames; and 2) a hackneyed, preliminary exploration into an ontology of pasta.

Item #1

i went into the film expecting this:

"Imagine an America in which 10 years after a socialist revolution, the ladies decide to take charge. That's exactly what happens in this sci-fi allegory. When the leader of a lesbian separatist group dies in jail, her death spurs an uprising that turns the country upside down. Part fantasy, part comedy and part serious social commentary, this new age chick flick has it all: a female DJ who narrates the action, a feminist rock soundtrack and more. "

- Netflix

but what i found was:

"These films do not put me in the place of the female spectator, do not assign me a role, a self-image, a positionality in language or desire. Instead, they make a place for what I will call me, knowing that I don't know it, and give 'me' space to try to know, to see, to understand."

- Teresa de Lauretis

which led me to conclude that:

neither the former's misleading imprecision, nor the latter's insightful elocution, can compete with the politically beatific low-fi experience of the film itself:

Item #2

spaghetti is the white, middle-class heteronomative pasta whose maddening ubiquity has etched its way into our collective conscious. angel hair is like spaghetti, only less so. fettucini is an egregiously, aggressively masculine pasta not unlike the skinhead subculture, which demands a heavy (preferably white) sauce. linguine is like fettucini, but with more humility and less racism. lasagna is pasta with bread envy.

rotini, farfalle, and conchigle all belong to the mutant category of pasta. some members of this genus, like ruote, qualify as veritable abominations, and should only be eaten in the event of catastrophic (as in La jetée) or utopian (see Item #1) political upheaval.

macaroni, which certainly deserves to be in the above category, somehow escaped such marginalization, but only at the expense of being forever associated with packets of dried cheese.

given the unsatisfactory nature of the first three designations, my inquiry has led me to believe that penne is the only viable pasta choice. it is obviously not a mutant, has a circle at either end, and unlike the straight pastas in section one, requires only a single utensil. add to this its association with vodka, and you have a pasta match made in heaven.