the balance between ease and effort

i can take, at most, two hours at a time. i try to stop just short of the Madness, but sometimes memories of the Fear shadow my dreams. these are the nights i wake at: 1:10am, 4:20am, 5:30am from dreams of [her]. i am balancing between ease and effort; the final pieces are falling into place.

i lack only one name.

the documents aren't getting any easier to read, but they are getting shorter. and i know the scope of the artifacts from the first six months far exceeds that of the next six years. tonight i wish i had someone with whom i could share it all, but i sleep alone.

"There is a wonderful Icelandic term: 'doom eager.' You are doom eager for destiny no matter what it costs you. The ordeal of isolation, the ordeal of loneliness, the ordeal of doubt, the ordeal of vulnerability - which it takes to create in any medium - is hard to face. You know when this thing is coming on you. You know when you walk the streets by the hour. When the restlessness comes, when you are sick with an idea, with something that will not come out."
- Martha Graham

i lack only one name.